“Action expresses priorities.”
~Mahatma Gandhi
Another version of a manuscript done.
Its the 5th revision. I happily and triumphantly hit "send" on the email, unleashing yet another bit of scientific garble into the ether, an electronic dart aimed squarely at my advisor. But he is crafty.
I immediately get an email back, informing me that this revision "will not be looked at until I send the accompanying revision of the cover letter to the editor of the journal to which we are submitting, which I clearly stated below."
Oh, well, excuse me.
Consider my priority:
GRADUATE.
I digress:
When I run, the best runs, the runs after which I feel absolutely the best, are those that at some point during which I ask myself "Why do I make time for this?"
I make discomfort a priority. I always have. I choose to run in the midst of banging my scientific powers of reason against a piece of data that defies all reason I have. I love it. But I hate it. So I get up and go for a run, some sort of run that burns quickly like a white-hot fire or one that burns slowly over hours, like the invisible hot coals the morning after a beach fire. Either works, mostly it depends on time.
And then I sit down to commence scientific head-banging with a clear mind.
I choose to do these things... this week, I have little time to run. And it is killing me! I haven't even arrived at the part where I have to make the choices, but I already know that the time will arrive where I have time to do one thing: thesis writing. Not running. Running, while clearing the mind of rubble, is a necessary diversion. However, when time is so precious, how can I rationalize abandoning the priorities I have, essentially, dug myself into???
I tell myself that it is almost over. Things will change when... and then, I think of all the time I haven't gone fishing with dad. I think of all the time I haven't (insert important thing here) because I couldn't prioritize that thing at the moment, but I could later. Will there be a later?
I have friends who have come and gone, because I always figured there would be a "later." I have recognized that and have worked hard to keep some sort of connection alive, no matter how slim, through space and time, in order to one day have that potential again. But I find it hard to always rationalize my priorities... will it pay off? Will I really do these things and people justice and make time?
I go for a run and the need to prioritize disappears, like so much data, into the ether. It is just me, the mechanics of my running, and the (pardon the contriteness) zen-like state of singularity. I don't have to do anything but run. The vastness of my unconscious mind startles me, at times, when empty... for normally it is a crowded subway, weaving through a tunnel on autopilot.
Someday the pilot will wake up to consciousness and grab the steering wheel, and prioritize his own way. At least that's what I am betting on.
I do not think, even for a second, that I speak for the many people you have or have had in your life with whom you have regularly shared experiences. I will only speak for me.
ReplyDeleteWhile I admit to missing your companionship, being able to share my space with you, I understand what you are going through. And, even though I occasionally fall prey to feelings that betray that understanding
(gee, I'm human), I quickly regain enough composure to look myself in the mirror and say (without tearing up), "hey, Steve, this is what Aaron has decided is His Way. And yeah, you miss him each and every time you stand in the moving water, BUT, the very LEAST you can do, Steve, is to root for him and pull for him and KNOW that his heart, as it has always been, is IN the right place. HE deserves all the goodness that WILL, one day, come his way.
It is the thought that counts. More so than you will ever know.